Lil Lady

Today is one of those days where i just can’t explain how i feel. i wish i could paint a picture with words so beautifully descriptive you knew just what i was talking about. i’m at such a crossroads all i can do is have faith. right? i know that theres a plan and i really do believe that theres a plan for everyone… mines just so confusing right now i wish it would become a little clearer. Maybe my moods just like the seasons… they can’t make up their mind. 

i guess in that case i’ll just stay in and do some baking at watch breakfast at tiffanys. nothing like a classic movie to make you feel more at home. 

This is the look i want for fall..

I just wanted to be your gorgeous rage of a sunset.
I wanted my colors to be the kind you’d die for—
a force that made your heart wish in wincing shades of red and orange;
the kind you’d spend entire lifetimes just trying to emulate,
and daydream of what it’d be like to perfect

—wise words from my beautifully breathtaking and in incredibly ingenious cousin.

Today I have been tortured by these feelings. These feelings of regret, for having ever met you, bitterness, for how easy it was for you to slip out of my life, and embarassment, for how unbelievably in love I was with you.

I have no idea how this stuff works, but I have to get this off my chest.

I hate the way that every image of you forces me to retreat. Withdraw from the realm of reality and seclude myself on a deserted island.  Never have I wished so badly to erase a memory. Just thinking about it forces my skin to crawl and like a drug addict i scratch until it bleeds.

Its funny how things change. who was once the epitome of comfort and love, now forces me to hate myself for believing the things you told me. Your masks fooled me and now they haunt all of my dreams nightmares. After its all said and done you don’t deserve to occupy my thoughts. Here’s my inner tug of war: to expose you or laugh in your face.   

Nobody should ever have to feel the way that i felt. you should know how you shattered everything i dreamed of. the worst crime is to destroy someones dreams.   

get out of my head. your not worthy enough to dwell in my most sacred place: my heart.

I was a dreamer and a hopeless romantic. I met you  i never thought i could meet a more perfect specimen and even as far as i’ve come, unfortunately i still do.   I’ve always been positive and optomistic when it came to love, never afraid to let someone in. Now I can’t even let the most kind hearted of people in. My friends think I’m crazy. and the more i think about it, the more i wonder if they are right. lucky for me i refuse to let someone whom i’ve lost all respect for drag me down. 

but i’m not going to lie. its hard. its the hardest damn things i’ve ever done.  

but after all

”..out of the ashes i rise with my red hair and i eat me like air” - sylvia plath